My Refuge

Apr 14, 2011

Some people have church.  Some people have the corner bar.  Some people have a full time nanny.

But what does this mom do when she craves some serenity?  I hide in the bathroom with the lights off.

It’s the perfect place for some solitude, and the total darkness helps me block out the screeching coming from the other side of the door.  Sometimes, sometimes, I can even ignore the banging on the door once the wee ones realize where I am.

Gabi: Mom? MOM!  I know you’re in there!  Are you going potty?  Because I have to pee and I’m too scared to go to the other bathroom and Mason is eating food off the floor and I can’t get the TV to turn to the cartoon channel and ARE YOU POOPING?  Because I don’t care if you are, just open the door!  MOM!

All good things must come to an end, so at this point I usually open the door and hope I have decompressed enough to be able to genuinely smile my way through the rest of the day.

I have discovered some other ways to get some quiet, if not alone, time.  I can read half a magazine and catch up on what Charlie Sheen said on his latest tour stop if I do one or more of the following:

• Bust out the new Playdoh, don’t say a word when kids move Playdoh to carpet
• Let kids empty kitchen cabinets
• Let kids play with kitchen stuff PLUS water
• Hand over purse for inspection
• Let kids paint clown faces with makeup found in purse
• Open up the back of the pick-up truck and throw up a few lawn chairs (bonus if you give the kids some yarn to wind through the hook holes)
• Dump out all bins of stuffed animals and dolls and then pay the kids to put them back
• Send naked kids outside to make mud pies using a hose and a sacrificial flower pot
• Give kids a book that’s too damaged for repair, a Sharpie and a pair of scissors.  Do NOT tell them they are allowed to write or cut up the book, as this ensures they will sit and do just that.
• Longer time outs (much much much longer time outs)

There’s not much I haven’t let the kids get away with in moments of desperation.  The key is that they never know it was desperation that made me buckle.  This way I’m The Cool Mom instead of The Pushover Mom.

And for those times when I’m not able to make it to the bathroom or handle massive destruction, there’s nothing like an appletini cleverly disguised in a Sea World mug.

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Stupid Birds, Stupid Bees

Apr 3, 2011

I don’t know why I wasn’t paying attention, but I wasn’t.  I DID know that Gabi was playing in my closet and was being fantastically quiet.

Gabi: Mom, why do you have these underwear?  They show your private parts!

I look over and she’s holding up a pair of see-through underwear from back in my pre-kids days, when I actually did stuff to woo Gilberto.

Me: Ohhhhh.  Yeah, it’s probably why I don’t wear them.  I mean, who wants to wear SEE-THROUGH UNDERWEAR?  Ha ha ha.

Gabi: Yeah, mommy!  They must’ve gotten really worn out.  Did you wear them a lot?

Me: Hey, look what you found!  My shawl!  Let’s dress you up like a Spanish dancer!

I have the art of diversion DOWN.

Especially when it comes to the wonderful world of explaining reproduction to your child.  Up until now I’ve gotten off easy, only having to explain about female parts and how the baby grows and gets out.  But not any of the before stuff.

I knew the nitty gritty questions would be coming before too long.  Cue last Monday.  We were driving somewhere and I was lost in thought until BLAM.

Gabi: I’ve been thinking, why do you need a daddy to make a baby?

She’s been thinking?  Oh my God, DON’T PANIC!  She needs you to be cool so that she doesn’t think it’s a big deal.  Be cool, Laural.  BE COOL.

Me: Well, you know how the mom has an egg?  It needs to come together with a little piece of the dad called sperm.  The dad gives the mom his sperm and when it touches the egg it makes it start to grow into a baby.

Ooo, that was good!  But PLEASE, God, let that be enough to satisfy her.

Gabi: What’s sperm?

Crap.  How the hell do you explain sperm to a six year old?  Okay, I can do this.  Deep breathe, let it out.  And THINK.  THINK.  Why can’t I think?

Gabi: Mom!  WHAT’S SPERM?

Me: Sperm look like little tadpoles!  They like to swim like tadpoles, too, so that they can find the egg!

FAIL.  Crappity crap.  But maybe she’ll start thinking about frogs and we can end this conversation.

Gabi: But, mom, how does the sperm get into the mommy?

Well there you go.  She asked it.  THE question.  I may be a bad mom, but I just can’t tell her about the whole penis-baby connection.  Not today.

Me: Hey, there’s a McDonald’s!  Do you want a Happy Meal?  And how about some new shoes!

And, hallelujah, it worked.

I know I’m going to have to give her an answer, and apparently soon, so I guess I need to read a book.  Or something.  Like maybe I can get Grandma to take this one on.

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I Had No Idea That The Gout Could Still Be Got

Mar 20, 2011

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Introducing The Kidlets

Mar 9, 2011

I used to be all wary of putting pictures of the family up on the interweb world.  But now I’m over it.

So without further ado, let me introduce Gabi and Mason…

Even though Gilberto is Brazilian, you wouldn’t know it by looking at these kids.  They really pulled the Polish out of his genes!

I’ll be updating the sidebar with pictures of the whole family, but not until I can find a decent one of myself.  I’ve just gone back through the last two years, and every single picture shows me in my pajamas or sick with the flu.

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The Underwear Wars

Mar 5, 2011

Stupid, effin Days Of The Week Underwear.

I HATE YOU.  You make my life miserable.

Gabi will only wear the Wednesday underwear on Wednesday.  And Sunday on Sunday.  And when it’s Tuesday and the only underwear left says Friday, getting her little tush into Friday brings on World War III.

Me: FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, God will not strike you dead for wearing Friday on Tuesday!

Gabi: FINE!  I just won’t wear any!

Me: Oh, HECK no.  When I was in the 3rd grade one of my classmates didn’t wear underwear and forgot and hung upside down on the monkey bars!  Do you want that to happen to YOU?  HUH?  You will wear Friday, right now!

Gabi: You are torturing me!  Why do you have to be my mommy?  I WANT A NEW MOMMY!  AND DON’T COME NEAR ME WITH FRIDAY!

How about some new friggin underwear instead, some that don’t make me want to stab myself.  As soon as I can get to Target, I’m changing them out.  So long, Days Of The Week Underwear, I can’t wait until you are gone from my life!

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