The Morning My Mother Accused Me Of Leaving Heroin On The Kitchen Counter
We started chatting, then all of a sudden her face changed to disapproval and her hands went to her hips. She looked the way that moms do when they’re about to chastise you for something.
Mom: I saw the heroin on the kitchen counter last night.
It took a moment for what she said to sink in, because that’s not the kind of thing you expect to hear from someone first thing in the morning.
And then panic swept through me. OH. MY. GOD.
Did I leave heroin on the kitchen counter?
Well, NO. Duh. I don’t do heroin. But then what was she talking about? Did someone ELSE leave heroin on the counter? Did someone sneak into my house and do drugs in my kitchen and then not clean up after themselves? Or did I bake something and leave some flour on the counter and she just thought it was heroin? And if that was the case, why on earth would she think it was heroin and not flour? Was my behavior kind of off lately and she must think it was because I was doing drugs?
Mom: And I just couldn’t resist. I partook!
She kept staring at me, disapproval seeping from her and hitting me like heat waves.
WHAT? WTF? Now I was really confused.
She PARTOOK? Did my mom snort flour? Did she lick it off the counter? Did she have a bad reaction to the flour and that’s why she thinks it was heroin? Or maybe it WAS heroin!! Did my mom accidentally do heroin? But if so, HOW did it get on the counter?
WHAT THE HECK WAS GOING ON?
And she just stood there, staring at me, and me staring back at her, my jaw on the ground and my eyes a bit buggy, until my groggy morning brain cleared enough for me to remember that what I HAD left on the kitchen counter was not a stash of heroin, but a chocolate cake. Which for us is kind of LIKE heroin, in that it’s pulls us in with it’s deliciousness, and we keep going back for more, even after it attaches to our hips and backsides and makes our bodies bulge in very VERY unflattering ways.
As soon as I started laughing she relaxed her stance and joined me.
Me: Oh my WORD, mom! I thought you were being serious! I’d totally forgotten about the cake, and I was trying to figure out how to convince you that it wasn’t my heroin and that I wasn’t a drug addict!
And then she went to take a shower, and I went to calm my nerves with some chocolate cake.