The Morning My Mother Accused Me Of Leaving Heroin On The Kitchen Counter

Aug 16, 2012

After dragging myself out of bed this morning, I ran into my mom in the hallway.

We started chatting, then all of a sudden her face changed to disapproval and her hands went to her hips.  She looked the way that moms do when they’re about to chastise you for something.

Mom: I saw the heroin on the kitchen counter last night.

It took a moment for what she said to sink in, because that’s not the kind of thing you expect to hear from someone first thing in the morning.

And then panic swept through me.  OH. MY. GOD.

Did I leave heroin on the kitchen counter?

Well, NO.  Duh.  I don’t do heroin.  But then what was she talking about?  Did someone ELSE leave heroin on the counter?  Did someone sneak into my house and do drugs in my kitchen and then not clean up after themselves?  Or did I bake something and leave some flour on the counter and she just thought it was heroin?  And if that was the case, why on earth would she think it was heroin and not flour?  Was my behavior kind of off lately and she must think it was because I was doing drugs?

Mom: And I just couldn’t resist.  I partook!

She kept staring at me, disapproval seeping from her and hitting me like heat waves.

WHAT?  WTF?  Now I was really confused.

She PARTOOK?  Did my mom snort flour?  Did she lick it off the counter?  Did she have a bad reaction to the flour and that’s why she thinks it was heroin?  Or maybe it WAS heroin!!  Did my mom accidentally do heroin?  But if so, HOW did it get on the counter?

WHAT THE HECK WAS GOING ON?

And she just stood there, staring at me, and me staring back at her, my jaw on the ground and my eyes a bit buggy, until my groggy morning brain cleared enough for me to remember that what I HAD left on the kitchen counter was not a stash of heroin, but a chocolate cake.  Which for us is kind of LIKE heroin, in that it’s pulls us in with it’s deliciousness, and we keep going back for more, even after it attaches to our hips and backsides and makes our bodies bulge in very VERY unflattering ways.

As soon as I started laughing she relaxed her stance and joined me.

Me: Oh my WORD, mom!  I thought you were being serious!  I’d totally forgotten about the cake, and I was trying to figure out how to convince you that it wasn’t my heroin and that I wasn’t a drug addict!

And then she went to take a shower, and I went to calm my nerves with some chocolate cake.

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15 Comments

  1. carrie

    I giggled non-stop with this one!! Mostly because I can so relate… (And I still remember the arm-pit hair twisting blog, too.)

  2. too funny! in my house growing up, it very well COULD HAVE BEEN heroin (not so funny)! but i think i would have reacted exactly the same way (especially first thing in the morning) if anyone had asked me that question…. ;-)
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  3. mmmmm, chocolate cake.

    And yes, I just said that in Homer Simpson’s voice, because chocolate cake could totally be my “heroin” too.

  4. marcie

    Perfect

  5. Mmmm! Chocolate cake is crack in our home for sure!
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  6. Meg Salas

    I literally LAUGHED OUT LOUD. :D
    Meg Salas recently posted..Magical Red JeansMy Profile

  7. Yum – A great habit-forming breakfast :) Love the photo, too!

  8. Hee, hee! I like your mom.

  9. Isn’t there something about a mother’s accusation that immediately makes you feel very, very guilty?

    This was funny. I’m glad your mother didn’t really do heroin. That would make for an awkward post, huh?
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  10. That’s hilarious.

    My brain is so slow in the mornings it probably would have taken me hours to figure out she meant a cake and not real heroin.
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  11. Jennifer

    I can’t believe you are so funny. And that all that goes through your mind. Laural your amazing and I enjoyed every post.

  12. OMG… peeing my pants. – (although I had really hoped your mother was licking flour off of the counter)

  13. Oh I’ve missed your posts, Laural. :)

  14. Laural that is so funny! I laughed until I had a coughing attack and my eyes are still tearing! Your exchange with your mom reminds me of the relationship I had with my mom. I miss her so much! She would have said something like that to me! Thanks for the heart hug!

  15. LOL. Too funny. I love eating that “heroin” too.
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